I thought that i won't emo today. But ended up i still did.
I emo abt the things that i did wrong and how i regretted the wrong choices that i made. Regretting and emoing abt the past is not very healthy. There is no way to change the past and no point punishing myself over the past. I try very hard not to regret and emo cuz the past will never change,and emo will only make my present more miserable. But sometimes i just can't help but wonder how things could have turned out differently.
It was just a cartoon but somehow it made me feel so terrible. It was unintentional i know.
Its just me feeling lousy. I'm sorry for emo-ing. I really am.
The initial plan is that i won't ask my dad for the car. But somehow i remembered that you prefer not to drive if possible. So i asked instead. He has some birthday party to attend this friday. But i think because its Melvin's promotion and passing out parade, he made arrangement for his friend to give him a lift instead so i could use the car. If was somebody other than Melvin he could have just told me that he has to use the car instead. Wad's so special about Melvin? He's not just my childhood buddy. He's my childhood best friend. He's not just my childhood best friend, he was sort of part of my family then. We would go to marina bay to fly kites together, we would go to bishan park to play soccer together, we even went to Malaysia on a fishing trip together. When i mean together, its not just me and him. Its my whole family. That was during primary school and lower secondary days. When its not with my family, we (just Melvin and I) would spend our weekends going for day and night cycling to farfetched places, cycling to the library to borrow books (mostly comics), cycling to get to tuition, play with remote control cars, playing the computer at his house, and even fishing at punggol beach and seletar resevoir. We would talk about the things we would do when we grow up. He was an avid collector and admirer of cars then. Likewise, i became one too. My parents fully accepted him then and it was with such trust that everything that i do would be fine as long as it was with Melvin.
Even my dad knows how much Melvin's promotion parade meant to me.
Every guy has to serve his time in the army. 2years for the not-so-fit ones and 1 year 10months for the fitter ones. People always said that the army is where boys grow up to become men. I beg to differ. Its not a place where boys grow up to become men. Its a place where boys go through shit everyday and see how real this dog eat dog world is in a enclosed "virtual" but real world of the army. Somehow, they will just be able to see how great the civilian life is and stop whining when they come out. As a result of that, grow up? Maybe.
The promotion of a soldier is really a big deal. Its just a rank, but who understands how much it is to the soldier? He has to go through literally shit to get that rank. Ask every single NSF soldier (forget about the regulars as they're losers), 3SG and above, about that rank he earned and everyone sure has a long story to tell. For CPL and below i can't be sure. Cuz some get it by just being there. Why is it that i hold Melvin's promotion parade with such high regard? He will be getting his 3SG rank after about 9 months of shit. He deserves moral support from an old friend who did not even get the chance to earn that rank. It may just be a 3SG promotion parade, not some officer commissioning parade, but heck, it is still his hard-earned rank after all.
My life in the army was a terrible one. It was screwed up right from the start. End up i was just salvaging whatever i could. In the end i managed to earn IPPT Gold, Marksman, Corporal Rank, Section 2IC appointment, and a Best Soldier of the Month Title for June 2008. To any other person that serves to be a successful NSF tour. But to me, it was only salvaging the leftover. Thats why i said that if you don't screw up the present, the future will still be bright. If you screw up the present, you'll only end up salvaging whatever thats left of the future. So true. No matter how well i did, i would not be a 3SG.
I wanted so much to be a 3SG cuz at that time i thought that i wasn't good enough to be an officer anyway. So wad went wrong for me then?
Right from the 1st week in Tekong for BMT, i started falling sick. I was getting mild headache all the time. Reporting sick was a taboo and it was thought that only the chao keng would report sick. I thought that since it was just mild headache everything would be fine after a while. I ended up popping painkillers to go for training. I was conisdered more physically inclined than the average people then so even when i wasn't performing well, i still managed to blend in among the rest. From headache, everything started going downhill. I suffered heat exhaustion from training not soon after. Headache worsened to flu, then cough then fever. Falling sick was quite common among recruits then so it wasn't much of a big deal to fall sick and not report sick if still feeling okay. It was a wrong concept brought up by the fear of being labeled a keng-ster. When i did report sick, i didn't recover fully when the MC ended. From there, it became a slipperly slope. Asthma resulted and not long after, fever resulted. As i have already reported sick a few times and due to MC, i missed crucial tests and various assignments, putting my command school chance in jeopardy. But even though i did not recovered fully after the MC, i decided to just swallow the pain and just persevere to the end of the course. My health deteoriated and my performance also dropped drastically as a result. Not long after i was struggling to keep up. During the last week of the course, i failed my IPPT by 3 seconds for the 2.4km run, before getting high fever during the passing out parade rehearsal. When i reported sick for the final time in Tekong that day, the Medical Officer ordered a chest X-ray scan for me and after looking at the developed X-ray, he personally walked out of the room and ordered the head medic, "Send this patient out to CGH in wheelchair and medic within 20min." His exact words. I was down with pneumonia. When i told him i failed my 2.4km by 3 seconds just the day before, he was speechless and said i really should have reported sick earlier. It was only then that it struck me, that i was joking with my life then. I never had such uncontrolled asthma ever since i was very young and it was from then on that asthma controlled my life till now.
One of the criteria for command school (Officer Cadet School or School of Infantry Specialist) was to have an IPPT result mininum pass. By failing the test, i disqualified myself from command school. When in hospital, i called my sergant, asking him if it was possible to submit my pre-test IPPT result, which was a Silver, instead. He couldn't help me then. I had no Platoon Sergeant (on leave) and no Platoon Commander (just ORD) hence i called the company's highest in command, Officer Commanding asking for him to give me a chance at selection by allowing me to submit my Silver test result. He refused, giving me a reason that they had to submit the latest result for the units to have an accurate information. (Which till now i still think that was just completely rubbish.) [Later in my NSF tour (abt a year later) i did meet him (OC) again during one of the attachment. He was on course and boarded my boat. I wanted to ask him if he remembered me then, but i did not, as i felt that it would not change anything even if i did.]
As a result of my screwed up BMT, i wasn't given a chance to be selected for command school and became men instead of commander. I also managed to get Golds for my 2 years of IPPT, which would have almost 100% gotten me a command school spot then if i achieved gold during BMT. But it meant nothing to me then already as it was already too late.
After being posted to 35SCE, i did not have a turn of fortune either. At Delta Coy, i was selected for guard duty intead of being part of NDP and ended up as a 'reject'. Then due to some inflexible thinking by the regulars i was almost charged for a military offence that was completely absurd. I was resting in the cookhouse after completing a prowl duty and was 'caught' by the duty orderly sergant. Considering the fact that i was doing alternate guard duties then, i was completely exhausted and as i have already completed my prowl, i wasn't really slacking. Platoon Commander ended up fighting my case and silently posted me out to Boat Coy and the charge was also silently dropped. The Platoon Commander then was a female regular officer which i believe did help me again during the best soldier selection interview as she was promoted to higher appointment after that post and she was one of the panel judges for the best soldier nominees.
At Boat Coy i tried to salvage whatever there's left to salvage. I came in 2nd for performance in the Boatman Course, got my IPPT gold, Marksman, Best Soldier award, given Section 2IC appointment (an appointment usually given to 3SG, but sometimes given to CPL when not enough 3SG around). I got all the achievements that i could. Most people could just dream of getting then and come nothing close to them. The only thing was that i did not get the Corporal First Class (CFC) rank as things went sour towards the final months over duties and there was no PC around (ORD-ed) to protect us. In fact, it was such a new rank that there was no CFCs around in my company yet then.
The first few months were so crucial for me and i just screwed up. Ended up salvaging whatever there was left to salvage. To most people NS is just 2 years to serve and get it over and done with, why bother with the rank? Its nothing actually. Its just a target, or maybe pride or experience, or whatever. Really happy that some of my friends and buddies managed to achieve wad i failed to do. I'm happy for them.
Congrats to Melvin for completing SISPEC ASLC. You'll get your rank on Friday and i'll be there to witness and to give you moral support.
Do treat your future men well. Who knows one of them could have suffered the same fate as i did. Soon, in your new unit posting, everybody would have to call you sergeant.
YES SERGEANT!
Cal
found sought peace at 00:53.
